Way off topic

Let's talk about where I have been for the last couple of years and what that really means for videos and tutorials in the future. The topic I want to talk about today isn't really mini related and it isn't a topic people like to talk to about. A lot of people just brush it under the table and try to pretend it never happens. But we need to change that mindset and have a dialog.

I know from the messages I have gotten that many of you have been worried about me and so I am going to address this.

Honestly this is a hard post to write. I'm not sure how to proceed here. I have written so many drafts of this post and promptly deleted them all. I just can't find the words to say what I want to say. So be patient if this does ramble a bit.

So our topic of the day is depression. I have suffered with/lived with depression for many years. It first started at least 20 years ago maybe closer to 25 (or more) and it has always been the dark shadow in the corner of the room for me. From time to time I would contemplate suicide but it was something that was a fleeting thought.

For whatever reason my depression got much worse over the last couple of years. To the point that 6 months ago I was very close to killing myself. I didn't follow through but I wasn't getting any better either. Then in January of this year I actually acted on the thought. I did stop myself at the last minute but I do carry a scar from that day.

It was at that point I decided I needed to make some drastic changes in my life. I had sold my house back in November of last year and was planning to stay in the area. I had always lived within the same area all my life.

Then in March I got really sick and had a lot of time to really think about my life. I realized that the area I was living was packed with memories that were causing my depression to just get worse and worse. I was running into a lot of people that had done things that had caused me emotional harm over the years. I decided I needed to make a drastic change.

So when I got over being sick I packed everything I could take with me into a Uhaul truck and moved from Oregon to North Dakota. I said I needed to make some drastic changes in my life.

A few things that I have noticed since the move are that for the first time in decades I am actually happy! I hadn't realized how long it had been since I was happy until I was again. It was a shock at first.

I have been here for almost 2 months and I am settling into my new life. I also realized a few weeks ago that the nightmares that used to have on an almost nightly basis are gone. I haven't had one since I moved.

So what does all this mean for my videos/tutorials. I do plan to be back in time. I think it will be a long while before I am able to jump in with weekly videos but I do want to start doing at least some videos. The schedule I was keeping became way too stressful and right now I am trying to limit stress. Also while the majority of people that comment and contact me about the tutorials are wonderful there are those that seem to be on YouTube just to be nasty and mean. Those are also something I want to avoid for right now anyway.

On the other hand I didn't have room for any of my dollhouses in my moving truck so I really want to build a dollhouse soon. I do need to get the extra bedroom set up as a craft-room/filming room.  I will be back even if it is slowly.

I do apologize for basically ignoring all of you the last year or so. I just couldn't handle it for a while.

So you can expect to see very slowly coming back in the future.

Now for any of you that are also in the same head place I was, talk to someone you can trust. That is the first step to getting better but also the hardest step.

Stay safe and happy and I'll see in the next video (or blog post)